I've had a rough few months, but maybe see a tiny light poking
through the murky darkness I've been in.
What shocked me into realizing how much I was
spiraling was almost losing my job.
I've been at this company for 6.5 years.
I like everyone I work with, and it is a very good company
to work for overall.
I got written up TWICE in one week.
I have never been written up.
I cried and cried in my boss's office.
I thought that I was going to be out of a job,
and it scared the shit out of me.
My boss asked if I was suicidal (eep!!!)
She came and met with my therapist.
My boss is amazing.
She somehow believed in me when I couldn't.
She was willing to fight for me, stick with me,
when I could have been fired a long time ago.
I owe my life to her--and I mean that pretty literally.
So, for those who have been kind and sweet and
waited patiently for me to return, I thank you.
From the bottom of my heart.
I am oh so slowly starting to feel like doing art again.
Little things, in small increments.
Therapy has been a catalyst in inspiring me.
Listening to U2's "Running to Stand Still,"
(the entire song speaks to me)
I was inspired to paint this.
I brought it into therapy, and it took until the last 2 minutes
to show it.
You know, its scary to show these vulnerable parts of you,
even if it is in painting form.
I explained that the river is the journey I'm on.
Its bumpy, and sort of dark.
The dark cloud pouring rain is how I feel most of the time.
And yet, at the bottom is this curious little bit.
Hearts. Hope. Light.
I originally was only going to do a small heart,
but ended up with three.
My therapist loved it.
She noticed how the hearts are connected,
that they may be smaller than the cloud,
but they still are a big part of the painting.
That the rain(tears) change once it hits the river.
Its funny how other people see what you do so differently.
My Nonni said that it is a bit "scary," but also
hopeful, like going from the unconscious to the conscious.
And, now onto the title of my post!
I gave up on my 2011 sketchbook, but I learned a lot.
I learned that I needed to pick a solid theme,
one where I knew I could keep a running idea throughout it.
"In Flight" didn't really work for me.
It was too broad, and I just did a hodgepodge of drawings.
Art House just announced the 2012 Sketchbook Project!!!
I now can pick out of any of the topics.
I now have a better idea of what I want/can do.
I now have more time to accomplish the project.
So, I signed up.
I'm proud of myself. I didn't deem myself a failure
because I didn't finish last year's.
I took it as a learning experience.
I am willing to try again.
If I don't finish it, then I don't.
But, I am starting 4 months earlier than before,
and I have a topic that I think suits me perfectly:
Fears and Tears
#1: I immediately thought of Tears for Fears, you know, the band
#2: This couldn't speak to what I am going through more perfectly.
I have so many fears, and the tears, well they come along with the territory.
What a great adjunct to therapy this will be.
I hope so at least.