2.13.2011

Not much art going on...

Just wanted to send a quick update
so you all don't think I dropped off blogland-I haven't!
I just have been stuck.
I think it is a combination of my stupid work schedule,
actually feeling things (unpleasant things) in therapy
(I hate feeling!!!!),
depression rearing its stupid head,
and way too much sleep.
Lets just say that this weekend all I did was sleep,
and then go to work. At 5pm.
I even cancelled my weekly babysitting gig,
the one thing that makes me truly happy is seeing those kids.
But I had bad dreams all night, and at some point took out
my mouthguard thingy used to prevent clenching of my teeth.
I woke up with my entire face feeling swollen, my teeth/jaw aching,
and a headache. Not to mention exhausted...at 10:00am.
TOO EARLY FOR ME.
I am a night person, but working at 1pm I don't think is good for me.
I can not get out of bed in the mornings to do anything.
I am lucky to be awake at 11. Usually 11:30-12:00.
I don't go to the gym, or get out of bed.
Then I get home late at night, don't eat dinner
because who wants to cook that late?
And stay up until 2ish, in which I eventually take an ambien.
whew
I'm sorry if this is an overshare, but I feel constantly guilty
that I can't get myself to do anything--especially artwork.
I feel like I'm letting myself down, but also my readers.
You know, all 4 of you :)
The one nice thing about working late is that I have many hours
to do art, except it obviously can't be painting.
I've avoided that, but tonight I did work on my colored pencil project.
The magazine ad which inspired me
First work in progress
Second work in progress
Colored pencil is such a slow medium if you want to do it well,
and I am trying to do it well! 
I picked a difficult picture to try out for my first time...
but so far I haven't gotten discouraged.
This is all I can manage to do.
I just am so frustrated/mad at myself because creating art
is the first and only thing that I truly love.
Yet, I run from any commitments, 
struggle with creating artwork for anyone--which has only been my family,
and have zero discipline/motivation.
I feel as if I will never ever make this more than a hobby.
I don't think or expect to really be an Artist and make tons of money,
but maybe find a little niche somewhere.
How can that happen when I can barely do it for myself?

8 comments:

  1. Hi Dawn,
    Just wanted to send some positive energy your way. Depression is a bitch and can kick your ass, but I believe that you can see you way past this. I appreciate you doing your blog and how you share and encourage. Thank you.
    RoByn

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  2. I hear you.
    I know these feeling oh so well myself.
    We just have to go through...
    Knowing we are loved and worthy of love helps.
    You are, and you are.
    Sometimes my Mom tells me, start with one tiny thing. Sometimes that helps too.
    I hope your dreams and moods get softer...

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  3. Hey, I'm a new reader of yours and a lifetime art hobbyist.
    I really relate to what you're saying about motivation and depression. This post reminds me of the days where I sleep and shuffle through, not wanting to do anything, but then the day is over and I'm so upset that I didn't do anything that I wanted that I just crash into bed.
    You will make it. I love your art and I think you're very talented!

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  4. Ahhh Dawn....this too shall pass, just keep putting one foot in front of the other....or in your case, just get out your paper, your paints and line them all up....look at them, touch them. No pressure, you'll be fine, you WILL!!

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  5. your drawing is awesome. I hope you will continue to share it with us!xoxo

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  6. Hi,
    Here another one who can relate to what you wrote.
    Although I'm very sorry that this is happening to you, I'm also a itsy pitsy glad I'm not the only one going through these things. So thank you for writing about this, it must have been hard.
    Take care and don't be too hard on yourself!

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  7. Hi Dawn,
    I hope it has helped seeing these comments of support. My daughter went through just what you describe and went through the same hell. She did get through it as I know you will. Being able to express and share what you are going through will help. The more the better, so keep writing if you can.

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