At a crossroad

Sigh. This is going to be a wordy blog post, but I need to get it out. In the end of August, 

my roommate will be moving back to NY for grad school. We have been living together 

in VA for 5 1/2 years now, post college. I love Charlottesville, and have no desire to 

move back to NY.

The problem is, I have become VERY comfortable in this life. We get along wonderfully, 

and in many ways are like a family. I have a cat, she has two cats, and we live quite harmoniously.  

I don't open up many people, I don't date, and I don't let my family in close to me. 

The one person who I can talk to anything about is my roommate. I can get mad at her, 

I can cry, we certainly do a lot of laughing. 

I don't know what is going to happen when she leaves. My therapist (sigh, yes my therapist) 

has been telling me that this won't be easy, but it is an important catalyst for change. 

I know she's right, but it I still avoid dealing with this at all costs.

Except, your mind sometimes goes off on its own.

Apparently it doesn't want to avoid it. I have spent this past week

fighting off tears all day at work, wanting to talk to

someone, and having no one to talk to. 

Who do you turn to when your one person is the problem?

I did something quite out of the ordinary.

I called my aunt. I had to leave work because I was

feeling like I was going to implode on myself. 

She told me the same thing my therapist said: This is exactly

the kick in the ass I need. I know, I know.

All it does is make me cry! And if you know me,

you know I don't cry. But, it was ok. My aunt told me

that WE will get through this together. That she will be 

there for me. (I cried. Again) She gave me an assignment for the weekend.

I need to open my mind, and write down a list of things

that I don't want, and a list of things I do want. 

Well, writing down things I don't want is easy.

I don't want to move back home

I don't want to be a miserable, depressed mess the rest of my life

I don't want to be lonely.

What do I do want? How can I answer that if I don't know 

who I am? What passions do I have? Up until a year ago,

I would have told you I have none. 

My family keeps telling me that I have talent,

that my paintings are good.

But, they are family, family is biased.

I love it. I love putting paint on a page.

Ok, I love it. What does that mean? That doesn't mean I am talented

It doesn't mean anything.

This is hard. Why can't I be naturally gifted like my brother?

Why can't I have a burning desire to create despite

obstacles? Is it fear? Does it matter anyway? 

This is my life.