At a crossroad

Sigh. This is going to be a wordy blog post, but I need to get it out. In the end of August, 
my roommate will be moving back to NY for grad school. We have been living together 
in VA for 5 1/2 years now, post college. I love Charlottesville, and have no desire to 
move back to NY.

The problem is, I have become VERY comfortable in this life. We get along wonderfully, 
and in many ways are like a family. I have a cat, she has two cats, and we live quite harmoniously.  
I don't open up many people, I don't date, and I don't let my family in close to me. 
The one person who I can talk to anything about is my roommate. I can get mad at her, 
I can cry, we certainly do a lot of laughing. 

I don't know what is going to happen when she leaves. My therapist (sigh, yes my therapist) 
has been telling me that this won't be easy, but it is an important catalyst for change. 
I know she's right, but it I still avoid dealing with this at all costs.

Except, your mind sometimes goes off on its own.

Apparently it doesn't want to avoid it. I have spent this past week
fighting off tears all day at work, wanting to talk to
someone, and having no one to talk to. 

Who do you turn to when your one person is the problem?

I did something quite out of the ordinary.
I called my aunt. I had to leave work because I was
feeling like I was going to implode on myself. 
She told me the same thing my therapist said: This is exactly
the kick in the ass I need. I know, I know.
All it does is make me cry! And if you know me,
you know I don't cry. But, it was ok. My aunt told me
that WE will get through this together. That she will be 
there for me. (I cried. Again) She gave me an assignment for the weekend.

I need to open my mind, and write down a list of things
that I don't want, and a list of things I do want. 

Well, writing down things I don't want is easy.
I don't want to move back home
I don't want to be a miserable, depressed mess the rest of my life
I don't want to be lonely.

What do I do want? How can I answer that if I don't know 
who I am? What passions do I have? Up until a year ago,
I would have told you I have none. 
My family keeps telling me that I have talent,
that my paintings are good.
But, they are family, family is biased.
I love it. I love putting paint on a page.
Ok, I love it. What does that mean? That doesn't mean I am talented
It doesn't mean anything.

This is hard. Why can't I be naturally gifted like my brother?
Why can't I have a burning desire to create despite
obstacles? Is it fear? Does it matter anyway? 

This is my life.


  1. Hi Dawn,
    I'm sending you out some good energy because I feel where you are. I'm in friend 'transition' as well. And I've spent some of my time crying - even while driving to and from work. It's a huge change. The thing I've been doing over and over again is remind myself that every bit of my life is made up of each and every moment. So, I make a real good effort to be aware of each moment and then I ask myself - is everything okay in THIS moment? Good - move to the next moment...and I do it over again. It doesn't work every time because a lot of time I forget! :) But, it helps some times and I get back to work and move on until it comes back (sometimes in the next minute even). This worked for me dealing with anxiety to some degree as well.
    Anyway - when your best friend decides to follow a different path before you're ready...well, I've been sad and I've been lonely. But, in this moment - I choose to...paint! :)
    I enjoy your paintings - color choices, composition. I look forward to seeing more.
    All the best to you Dawn...:)

  2. wow vicky! i am going to read these words whenever i am feeling sad. that means a lot. thank you.

  3. I know I'm kind of late to the party here but I've been there. When my ex and I went our separate ways I thought I was going to self destruct, and for awhile I did. I met a few really great people and met a wonderful woman and spent time royally screwing things up with her, to the point we've just now started speaking again, only because I finally tracked her down to apologize. I digress, my point is that eventually you come up out of the crap, dry your tears and feel better. Sometimes You need a kick in the pants to move on. I spent a lot of time writing, painting, hiking and finding myself. Eventually I moved to a new place, met my partner and have come to a point where I'm reasonably happy with life. I think that the mid to late 20s are the hardest time in our lives.